Sarah J. Blige

We’ve all heard the adage, “home is where the heart is.” But I’ve found that home is actually in the heart.

I’ve moved around a lot — I’ve lived in nearly 20 different houses in 25 years — and when people ask me where home is, I tend to hesitate slightly. I grew up mostly in Lethbridge, Alberta but I’ve lived in Vancouver, BC for the past five years. And truth be told, I’ve always felt more at home in Vancouver than I ever did in Lethbridge. That being said, I’ve often felt “homeless” or unsettled when I’ve been very much physically settled in a place. I’ve purchased my own furniture, put art on the walls and stocked my kitchen cabinets with more wares than I’ve ever found the motivation or occasion to use. One pet became three, and slowly but surely, my circle of friends has expanded. But none of this, no amount of things and people collected, was enough to make me feel at home, or grounded and stable, because I hadn’t first found that in my heart.

On my first night in the hotel room that would be my home for the next nine weeks during Teacher Training, a wave of panic suddenly swept over me. “This is not mine. This stuff is unfamiliar. Oh wow, that art is hideous. There’s not enough light in here.” And then, “What if my roommate is weird? Annoying? Messy? Smelly? What if I hate her?!” With a thousand more disjointed and anxious thoughts racing through my mind, I hurriedly unpacked my suitcases, trying to plant my roots as much as possible. With hardly a moment’s rest after I hung my last article of clothing in the closet, a sudden heaviness led me right into bed and underneath the covers where I started to weep softly. I was lonely. I was afraid. And I didn’t know what to do about it. After a few more minutes of feeling sorry for myself I decided to head down to the hotel lounge to surround myself with other travelers, hoping for a little comfort in the only commonality I could easily identify, but still feeling too meek to make any conversation beyond, “Do you have any vegan items on the menu?”

The next day I headed back down to the lounge to try to soothe myself with a cup of coffee, and right away I spotted some familiar faces. I felt better (a little, but not much). Lecture followed, then the meeting of the roomie (and what a relief! She was none of the things I feared she might be), and finally, after a busy and stressful day, it was time to crash. As I lied in bed, the feelings of loneliness, fear and anxiety I had been experience since my arrival remained with me. They followed me right into the hot room the next day during our first class and only intensified as the temperature climbed and the humidity hung over us like a hot, wet blanket.

We’re now halfway through week 3 and I’ve finally found a way to feel at home anywhere, any time, in even the most oppressive conditions and uncomfortable situations. Lying on my sweat-soaked towel in a massive room in a hotel in LA, surrounded by over 400 people, most of them strangers, I feel perfectly content on my 6′x2′ mat. I’m practicing non-attachment, not being bound by my desires and fears, and it’s allowing me to feel at peace in my body, anywhere I may be.

When we seek peace and contentment outside of ourselves, we will always be left unfulfilled. We should feel secure in our own hearts, wherever we go, and find comfort from within rather than grasping at external comforts, which are always impermanent and will leave us feeling empty again when the temporary satisfaction fades away.

Give yourself love and make friends with yourself. If you don’t like yourself yet, keep trying (and do more yoga! It helps considerably). You will be wherever you go, so learn how to “just be” and find peace from within. Home is in the heart.