Dear God:
It’s hot. And I mean really hot. I’m going to Bikram’s yoga as often as I can because it’s much cooler in the studio than it is in my apartment. I can’t keep up with the laundry; I’m soaking through my clothes within 10 minutes of putting them on. Every time I try to hug Flint we slide right off of each other and land on the floor in a pool of sweat. I know I’ve been hoping – okay, praying – for a heat wave, but 40 degrees on the coast is like a million degrees on the prairies. I’m just not built for this, God.
I think I’m becoming delirious. I had an entire conversation with a four-inch llama last night before I realized I was actually talking to shoe, and earlier today I found myself surrounded by a group of frightened children as I sobbed and writhed in a kiddy pool I had commandeered. I’m a real misery to be around, too; I don’t even like myself right now! I’ve experienced a greater spectrum of emotions (mostly the bad ones) in two days than I have in the past five years.
I’ve been doing rain dances nightly while the neighbors yell at me to put on some clothes and threaten to call the cops. (By the way, please forgive me for the nine profanities with which I responded.) I’ve also been stepping on all the spiders I can find, which is difficult for me, God, but I’m sacrificing my morals for the greater good.
This must be punishment for the hell, err, umm…stress we’ve been putting on the environment in the last century. But let me just remind you that I always do my best to use public transportation, recycle, turn off all lights that don’t need to be on, buy eco-friendly products and organic food, carry reusable bags, and most importantly, refrain from eating our lovely bovine friends. Since cows account for 9 percent of carbon dioxide emissions, 65 percent of nitrous oxide (I know, that’s a bad one), and 37 percent of methane gasses (those nasty heat-trappers) produced by human-related activities, I feel pretty good about doing my part to decrease greenhouse gasses.
Oh gracious, merciful God, please grant us deliverance from these scorching temperatures and oppressively muggy air, and Iwill do my best to spread the word about global warming. Also, please make soy ice desserts, fans and misters fall from the sky if you won’t give us rain; I promise I’ll be good for the rest of the year.
The above video was just for fun, but global warming is a serious problem.
For more information on cow farts and global warming, visit:
http://www.show.me.uk/site/news/STO873.html,
http://www.climatehotmap.org/namerica.html,
http://news.mongabay.com/2006/1130-un.html
It worked! Thanks for bringing down the temps. I too am an atheist who prays.