Not so, not so, no load of woe
need bring despairing frown;
for while we bear it, we can bear it.
Past that, we lay it down.
~Sarah Williams
Illustration by Graham Franciose
My mother passed on to me some wonderful qualities, and others…well, I wish they would have sunk to the bottom of the gene pool. One of the less desirable traits I’ve inherited from my dearest momsy is my tendency to over-analyze, particularly in situations where my thought and attention has no effect on an outcome. (Read: massive waste of time.)
In the past, I’ve spent so much time wrapped up in the why and how of different situations that I’ve actually made myself physically ill. There have been hundreds of studies on the effect of stress on the human body, and the consensus is that it’s bad: very, very bad. I can attest to this.
The last couple of months have taken me on an emotional roller coaster ride. The most difficult situation I’ve faced, and probably the beginning of all of the drama, was being denied entry to the States when I tried to fly into LA for Bikram Yoga Teacher Training this spring. I was beyond excited to embark on this adventure and I cheerfully bounced through the airport all the way to Customs. The first officer I encountered asked me a few basic questions and joked around a bit with me, then said, “You’ve been randomly selected for a baggage check!” I made some lame joke about lucking out, then proceeded to the next room where my dreams would shortly be shattered. After hours of being asked the same questions over and over and providing the same (honest) answers, I was denied entry and told I needed a student visa, and even though that turned out to be untrue, my life was turned upside-down in an instant and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. I was a mess. I sat in the holding area of airport Customs bawling and shaking, unsure of what to do next. I had nowhere to live, no job to go back to, and no money in my account. I had just spent thousands of dollars on a training program I thought I may never be able to do, as the tuition was nonrefundable and I knew I wouldn’t be able to come up with that sum of money again any time in the near future. I was emotionally exhausted, terrified, and desperate, so I did a ridiculously stupid and naive thing and tried to drive across the border. They caught me, threatened to charge me with a federal offense, and then let me sit and contemplate the error of my ways for about five hours. Finally, after an unnecessarily long and condescending lecture on my stupidity, I was told they were going to do me a favor and not throw me in jail or ban me from entering the US indefinitely, but the next time I try to cross the border (and it better not be for at least six months, young lady) I must have sufficient documentation to prove that I have a place to live, a job to return to, and money in my account, and if I don’t adequately satisfy these requirements, I’ll be rejected once again, and then barred from entering the States for five years.
Since my ex had agreed to stay at my place and take care of my three fur babies while I was away, I was able to get back into my apartment two weeks following the fiasco, so I was a homeless couch-surfer for only a short time. But after my living crisis was sorted, I was faced with a financial crisis. I didn’t have work for a full month and I was living off of half my usual income with nearly twice my regular expenses (as is the case when your partner moves out of your shared apartment), so I really struggled to make ends meet. There was also some drama in my personal life, and at times I felt very overwhelmed by all the difficulty I was facing. My stress-related stomach problems returned, and once I again I was fighting with a health issue that had plagued me for six months earlier in the year and I thought I had beaten once and for all.
I knew I would fall apart if I held on to the stress and fear I was experiencing: my peace was contingent upon my ability to let go.
Many people perceive the notion of “letting go” as complacency, laziness and passivity, but this is not the case: letting go is an active choice to live in the present without the restriction of rumination. It is is the practice of non-judgmental observation and non-attachment, of careful awareness and mindfulness. Letting go is empowering and freeing; it enables us to tackle adversity with the confidence that we are strong enough to watch it pass and witness the impermanence of suffering. Letting go requires mental acuity and determination, but also gentleness, patience, and the understanding that negative responses need not be avoided or feared, but simply experienced and then released. It’s not about controlling or ignoring your emotions; it is about observing and accepting their existence, then simply relinquishing the hold on anything that isn’t benefiting you. It is very challenging, but equally rewarding.
Often when we are struggling with a difficult situation, well-meaning people will offer the encouragement, “Everything will be okay.” True as that may be, it doesn’t make the present suffering any easier to bear. What I tell myself instead in times of struggle is, “Everything is already okay.”
“We can’t control the wind, but we can learn how to sail better.”
~Lama Surya Das
